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  • Emily Somers

While you are sleeping.


I’m thinking about our brunches filled with laughter and tea.

I’m thinking of your ultra-short fringe. How I think you might be the only person I know who can pull it off.

I’m thinking about our chats of tinder, awkward dates and boys.

I’m thinking about how my words ‘soothed’ you and made you not feel so alone.

I’m thinking about how my words weren’t there in the end. I’m so sorry.

I’m thinking of how much you’ve been through. How strong you’ve been.

I’m thinking about your tumours. I’m thinking how I fucking hate them.

I’m thinking about your doctor’s words – you were his ‘star patient.’ How has it gone so wrong?

I’m thinking about not crying. About how to not look so sad at work.

I’m thinking about how I wish I was there beside you to hold your hand.

I’m thinking about how you told me to go conquer the world until you could come and join.

I’m thinking about how Europe was meant to be your next stop. How I told you chemo was just the detour.

I’m thinking about Berlin, London and Paris. All the places you won’t get to see.

I’m thinking about the travel diary you gave me. How I’ll fill every page for you.

I’m thinking of your poor body. How toxic those drugs must feel. About tubes and beeping machines.

I’m thinking this could have been me.

I’m thinking about how much that scares me.

I’m thinking about the lipsticks and chokers you wore. About your total hipster style.

I’m thinking about how clever you are and your matter of fact tone.

I’m thinking about your huge sea blue eyes.

I’m thinking about all the boys who would have fallen for you.

I’m thinking about how loved you are.

I’m thinking how I didn’t know you very long and yet I knew you so well.

I’m thinking about how my heart is aching for you. So much so, it hurts.

I thinking about how overwhelmed I am with anger and violence. I want to smash the cancer to smithereens.

I’m thinking about how unfair this is. This is not meant to happen. This wasn’t the plan.

I’m thinking about your smile.

I’m thinking about your sparkle.

I’m thinking about you.

Always and forever.

x


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